Learning

Who Am I?

“To be nobody but myself–in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.” – e.e. cummings

As I look around, so often it seems like what I do matters more than, “who I am.”

I am, first, and foremost, a child of God. Then, a daughter, wife, mother, aunt, friend and neighbor, and the list goes on. There was a time when my list would have started with my job title and then worked its way back with “child of God” being somewhere further back on the list, maybe even last. While in lots of ways, I was a success, having all the “necessities” of life and more, I was not happy. I did not have a happiness (or joy) that permeated my being…only a surface happiness. I recall thinking, at times, “There has to be more to life than this. This can’t be all there is.”

There was something missing. Come to find out, God was missing. No, actually, God was not missing. God was there, but I was not inviting God into my daily life. Despite attending Sunday Mass, I had no relationship with God, or at least not one that had any depth to it. I find it interesting that as I have worked to deepen my relationship with God, I have not only come to learn more about God, but have also come to see, more and more, who I am at the core of my being. In addition, I have come to see the gifts God has given to me as well as to consider how God might be calling me to use them in a way that is beneficial for me, and the people, and the world, around me. In chapter 1, verse 27, in the Book of Genesis, the Bible states:

“God created mankind in his image;
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.”

What does it mean to me to be created in the likeness of God? While this may seem like a simple question, it cannot be answered without digging a little deeper. I need to have some idea of the following: What do I believe about God? How have I experienced God? Who has God been to me? and who is God to me now?

In my own life, I have found that putting my relationship with God at the center of my life…staying connected…listening and speaking with God and spending time with God’s Word, which has led to taking in, with new eyes and ears, the beauty of all of creation, has been the key to experiencing true happiness in life. That is, a sense of peace and well-being, that no amount of money or earthly people or things could give. This is not to say that everything goes my way all the time, but as “being a child of God” has moved forward on my list of who I am, whether things go my way or not is becoming less relevant.

St. Paul says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful.” (Col 3:12-15)

When I am able to hold fast to these truths, having only goodwill in my heart, nothing can harm me or take away who I am…who God created me to be, and…I am truly happy. There is no better feeling than that of joy in the Lord. Praise God!

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But Moses said to God, “Who am I…” – Exodus 3:11

Where are you?

With all the events happening in the world, I find myself wondering, “Why?” or better yet, “What?” What is it that really causes conflict? What is it that turns a situation from being one of working together to one of working against? What is it that divides?

A number of months ago and out of nowhere, I had an experience that blind-sided me. At the time, I felt taken advantage of and betrayed. I had trusted that there was honesty and authenticity, but come to find out, there was not. There was an exchange that started out in what seemed a positive direction, but then it came to light that there was only darkness and deceit on the other side…and hidden underneath that darkness and deceit were assumptions, judgments and misinterpretations driven mostly by fear.

There is the saying, “Money is the root of all evil,” but it certainly seems that fear ought to be right up there next to money, if not above it. It is often fear unchecked, that is behind words, actions, and inactions that can cause damage and destruction for both, me, and the world around me. It can stop me in my tracks. It can unleash anger and anxiety (among other feelings) that may tempt and cause me to act in ways that I would not otherwise. Fear, unchecked and in charge, can make me run fast, far, and wide, and most significantly, it can lead me away from the very place where I need to be.

In the Book of Genesis, while we can see that jealousy played a part in all that happened between the serpent and Eve and then Eve and Adam in the Garden of Eden, we can also see that fear was right there too. After the fruit has been eaten, Adam and Eve hear God walking in the garden and they hide. (Thousands of years removed, and from what I have come to believe about God, I find this somewhat humorous. Like anyone can actually hide from God. However, I suppose we can, and do at times, allow ourselves to think we are hiding from God.)

God says to Adam, “Where are you?” God does not say, “What have you done? One tree, man! I asked you and the woman to stay away from one tree!…” God does not criticize Adam and Eve up one side of the Garden of Eden and down the other. God does not shame them, try to make them more fearful, or strip away their dignity (further than their actions have already done).

While there are consequences for their actions, God still cares for them and about them, and does not abandon them. God already knows what they have done and could simply call them out and punish them, but instead God starts by simply asking, “Where are you?” What a great question!

God wants to hear their story. God wants to hear our story. How open are we to hearing each other’s stories?

Imagine how different life might be if we took the time to ask and to consider of ourselves, and others, “Where are you?”

I imagine there would be fewer assumptions, judgments, and misinterpretations…fewer misunderstandings…less fear…and more love in the world.

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Touched by the Spirit?

“Who touched me?” and “Whom have I touched?” or perhaps, more importantly…“How have I been touched and how will I touch others?”

It is interesting how the air can suddenly be sucked out of a room by the action or reaction of an individual. The way it can be quickly squashed. Like the domino effect. The momentum from the actions of one carries on to the second, causing it to also fall, which carries on to the next, and so on, down the line, until none are left standing. It is like a wave of destruction.

Imagine what it might be like, if we could actually see and hear both the rising and the quelling of the spirit within others in response to our words and deeds. Would my path have more dominoes that were standing or more dominoes that were knocked down? What are the things that cause me to knock down, rather than to build up? Or to become self-centered as opposed to Spirit-centered?

I was at a gathering, working with others, and as we worked, there was a spirit in the room. We were building something. There seemed to be a spirit rising within each of us as we worked together. I felt a sense of peace, unity and enthusiasm.

It hadn’t started out that way. In fact, I remember wondering, toward the beginning of our time together, “Was this task even possible? Could it really work?” However, as time unfolded, I started to feel a sense of excitement as we worked together. There seemed to be momentum and a positive energy to the group, and I could envision the task at hand not only being possible, but also working for the greater good of all who might be touched by it.

Then, toward the end, the first domino tipped, or rather, it exploded sending shock waves all around, and, even though it did not completely wipe out all that happened before it, in a single second, it certainly changed the spirit in the room. Squashed it! At least that is how it felt to me.

How many times have we all, either witnessed or committed an action or reaction steeped in “How I have been touched” as opposed to one that is cognizant of myself and “how am I about to touch others”?

I would dare to say that the times of action or reaction centered solely on oneself do very little, if anything at all, in a positive, life-giving direction. Whereas the ones that take into account oneself and others (anyone else around) are more than likely ones that acknowledge the situation for what it is without knocking any dominoes down. The latter are times of action or reaction that build up; not tear down. They help us to make the best of the situation, to maintain a spirit of peace, unity and enthusiasm, and to carry on with the hope and trust that things will work out. They always do! My faith, our faith, tells us, things work out for the good of those who love God.

What is it that takes me away from that promise? What do I, with the help of God, need to do about it so that my touch is in, and of, the Spirit?

There was a woman afflicted with hemorrhages for twelve years.
She had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors
and had spent all that she had.
Yet she was not helped but only grew worse.
She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd
and touched his cloak.
She said, “If I but touch his clothes, I shall be cured.”
Immediately her flow of blood dried up.
She felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction.
Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him,
turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who has touched my clothes?”
But his disciples said to Jesus,
“You see how the crowd is pressing upon you,
and yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’”
And he looked around to see who had done it.
The woman, realizing what had happened to her,
approached in fear and trembling.
She fell down before Jesus and told him the whole truth.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has saved you.
Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.”

                                                                                 — Mark 5:25-34

Hitting the Pause Button…

Reflect

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence…We need silence to be able to touch souls.” – Mother Teresa

Of all that I am thankful for and all that I see as blessings from God, the capacity to reflect is at the top of the list. In the midst of a fast paced, multitasking, busy world, quiet, prayerful reflection and contemplation has been a huge gift in my life, and from what I have witnessed as a family member, friend, and spiritual director, it has been a gift in the lives of countless others as well.

The first step is in the ability and the choice to pause. Sometimes the first step can be the hardest, especially with all that goes on between work, family, and everyday life. However, experience has taught me that I need to make a conscious decision to pause on a regular basis. For when I am on the go, in motion, it is hard or even impossible at times, to notice what I am being called to, to be open to a change in course or a new road ahead, or simply to be aware of and grateful for God’s presence and the blessings all around me.

I cannot ponder in my heart and mind without first putting the brakes on, lowering the volume, slowing down, and sometimes, completely coming to a prolonged stop. It is in these quiet moments, where I find myself best able to take a step back, to take a breath, and to truly leave room to listen and to be attentive to the deepest stirrings of my soul; the meeting place within. It is in these moments, that I find myself most open and reflective. It is in contemplation that I come to see that it matters not whether I go to the left, to the right, up ahead, behind, or way over there, but that what matters most is my openness to God…to the Truth…to the best course of action, or inaction, in the eyes of God.

When I think back over my life, I feel gratitude for moments of prayerful reflection and contemplation, moments where through Divine grace, I was able to let go of any agenda or notions to which I may have been holding on to, whether consciously or subconsciously, and to be aware and open to whatever may be. I can see clearly that these moments have been ones in which I have felt a deep sense of unity with God and the world around me. I have also felt a deep sense of peace and joy, regardless of the situation, circumstances or what ended up happening. It has been through these moments of reflection, in giving prayerful pause and taking a step away, that I am able to remain centered and rooted in God, stepping back into the world without being overcome by it.

Ready. Set. Open!

“You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.” – Indira Ghandi

Not only can you NOT shake hands with a clenched fist but there are also many other things you cannot do with a clenched fist. Perhaps from a more positive perspective…with a clenched fist, I can do very few productive and life-giving things. In fact, one could say that there is very little I can do with a clenched fist that I can truly feel good about.

When I imagine a clenched fist, what comes to mind first is fighting. Quickly behind that are the image of a wall and the idea of a stronghold of determination…determination to defend, hold on to and preserve at all costs. At some point I have to ask myself what am I defending and at what cost, not only to myself, but also to those around me, and those on the other side of the table?

Another question, who am I serving? Am I fighting to defend or to hold on to a universal truth or value? Or, am I fighting to maintain the illusion that I am in control? If it is the latter, I am pretty much slamming the door in the face of openness and all the possibilities that may lie ahead. What could be! If only that fist would open and that wall be taken down.

In the movie based on Roald Dahl’s book, Matilda, the father says to Matilda, “Listen, you little wiseacre: I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m big, you’re little; I’m right, you’re wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” What a great example of the attitude behind a clenched fist!

It is sad to experience and to think about how much is lost or destroyed as a result of clenched fists; the potential that is never seen, never given a chance to develop. It is disappointing when that which a group or an individual has to offer, when their gifts and what makes them special, creates a barrier to meaningful work and the development of mutually beneficial relationships; when it causes division or angst instead of unity and acceptance and an environment where the greater good is the focus.

With clenched fists, nobody wins. There can only be peace and unity, working together and building up, and authentic collaboration where there is an open fist…open hands…open minds and open hearts. Where there is a willingness to let go, to lay aside what is comfortable and what is “known,” and to come to the table with a desire to learn from that which is new and different, to accept others as they are and to give them, and ourselves, the room (love, encouragement, patience, kindness, compassion, mercy, and forgiveness) to grow.

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Take Me Out to the Ballgame…

I remember the excitement with which I attended my first professional baseball game. I was about 7 or 8 years old. As an athlete and a lover of all things sports related, I was extremely happy to be going to Fenway Park with my parents and one of my siblings. I recall the crowds, the noise, the vendors (“Get ya program heeere!”), the field, the hotdogs, Pesky’s Pole, the announcer’s voice, seeing the players that I knew from watching games on TV or listening to them on the radio, and more. Of all these things though, what struck me most was the singing of the national anthem, the 7th inning stretch complete with the singing of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, and all the moments in between and after where the crowd was in unison. At the time, I remember thinking and feeling that it was the most awesome thing, I had ever experienced.

More than three decades later, I still find the singing of the national anthem and the 7th inning stretch to be so moving. It is similar to those moments at a graduation or a concert where people from all walks of life are joined together for the same purpose, and in the same spirit. It is as if the human spirit is overflowing in joy, anticipation, excitement and celebration. There is a sense of togetherness…a sense of unity. It is exhilarating!

In those moments, what “side” we are on, ceases to matter. For in those moments, we are one. United, and all the things that cause division are gone, at least temporarily. How precious those moments! How brightly we shine, or rather, how brightly the Spirit shines within and through us.

I cannot imagine such things (a national anthem, graduation, concert, etc.) without openness to the Spirit from which active participation springs. Imagine what it would be like if instead of singing a national anthem, we spoke it, or, if instead of clapping with applause, we just stood there silently or gave only a nod of approval. How bizarre would that be? It would be spiritless. I don’t think there is any way we would accept such a lackluster response!

Imagine if that was the norm at such events though. Would we continue to attend them? Would they mean less to us? It certainly seems like we would be less apt to attend or to participate.

I wonder…why are we less open…why do we accept less in some areas of our lives as compared to others? What determines how actively we participate? Again, imagine how less invigorating the start of a ball game would be if we spoke the national anthem instead of singing it; or imagine what it would be like to be at a concert and to not be standing, clapping and/or singing along.

What is the difference between those moments where I so readily unleash the Spirit within and allow myself to participate fully, in communion with those around me and the moments when I do not? What holds me back? What prevents my heart from being in those moments?

How different the world is when that Spirit is present. What a difference it makes!

Keeping it Real…

“My perspective is that you should be IN the world but not OF the world.”
– Dave Davies, Musician

It seems fair to say that at times, it is difficult, at best, to be in the world, and not of it. As I sit with this thought, experiences come to mind and my heart becomes filled with gratitude as I see, or see again, that my greatest moments (those accompanied by peace, joy, and a sense of freedom and well-being), have been those that the world could not give.

We live in a world where we have so many choices and so much available to us, pretty much all the time. It seems as if we have become conditioned, to start with “What do I want?” rather than, “What do I need?” and “What is truly good for me, and for those around me?” Yet, when I reflect on being in the world and not of the world as well as on experiences that have embodied peace, joy, and well-being, I realize that so many of them started out with me not getting what I wanted (or what I thought I wanted so much). They also culminate with me getting what I needed most even though I did not realize it from the start. In between the two, not getting what I want and getting what I need, the difference maker in terms of how bumpy the road has been seems to have been dependent on where God was in the mix.

The times where I kept trying to push through and “make things happen,” have been times where I have experienced frustration upon frustration. It was only when I let go, stepped outside the tunnel, and looked around that I saw how stuck I was on what I wanted or what I thought we (God and I) wanted, and that somehow I had managed to leave God behind while I continued pursuing “the dream.” I imagine that God has had many a light-hearted chuckle over those times as God has waited for me to come back around; and, although I may not have found it funny at the time, as I look back, I feel like God and I can chuckle about it together now.

As I continue to look, the times where I paused at any roadblocks or unforeseen circumstances, instead of trying to forge ahead with all my might, have been the times where I have not only asked, but have also let God be with me, with an openness, and have let God be God. These times have also been the times where I have not felt pressured one way or another and have been able to wait until I had a better sense of what way to go, or what to say or do.

Part of Jesus prayer for the Apostles was, “I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.” I imagine that this is also part of Jesus’ prayer for us.

So how can I manage to be in the world, but not of the world? My experience tells me that while forging ahead with grit and fortitude has led me to some bumpy roads, it has also, when preceded and accompanied by prayerful pauses and listening, led me to smooth roads with pretty amazing views. My experience tells me that it is fine, as long as my eyes and my ears, my head and my heart, are fixed on God.

“Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal
of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and
pleasing and perfect.” – Rom 12:2

You Gotta Have Spirit…

Imagine what it must have been like for the Apostles as they came to know and love the Lord. The Messiah, the Anointed One of whom Scripture referred was not only there in their midst, but was also teaching them, loving them, and leading them. And, although Scripture and Christ forewarned them of what was to come, it seems they could have never imagined exactly what would happen leading up to and through His crucifixion. They had suffered a great loss and were left afraid and probably disillusioned by the arrest, trial and crucifixion of the Lord. The Bible tells us that they were locked away in an upper room when Jesus first appeared to them as a group. His first words to them were, “Peace be with you.” There was no, “Where’d you all disappear to?” or “How could you do that to me?” or “Thanks a lot for running off, and for denying me.”

There was no condemnation, but a greeting of peace and a reunion so to speak. Imagine what joy they felt as they saw the risen Lord. I think if I was there, my initial reaction would be overflowing joy along with supreme relief and the words, “Oh, thank God! You’re here!” There would be a sense that everything was more than okay again.

I wonder what it was like for the Apostles to learn that Jesus would not physically be staying with them, but needed to ascend to be with His Father. We know that regardless of how it was for them, they carried on and not only did they carry on, but they also helped to expand the numbers of followers of Jesus Christ. They evangelized! In the Acts of the Apostles, we read about the early church and see evidence of trials and tribulations, and victories. The Apostles experienced both joys and sorrows as they strove to live the Good News and to go out into the world and spread it.

How did they go from cowering in an upper room to becoming fearless evangelizers? The Bible tells us they were filled with the Holy Spirit. It also tells us that they had each other. Before that though, they were, and likely continued to be, students of God’s Word and then Jesus’ ways; embracing both as fully as they could. However, it was not until they were filled with the Holy Spirit that they were able to fulfill their mission of evangelization. What a powerful combination! United in faith and filled with and inspired by God’s Word and the Holy Spirit.

I imagine the places the Apostles went, the words they spoke, and the experiences they had would have seemed as being beyond their wildest dreams, but that once filled with the Holy Spirit, there was nothing beyond their wildest dreams, nothing impossible; there was an unwavering hope that can only come from being rooted in God.

Filled with the Spirit, united in faith, and faithful to God and God’s way, how many amazing, beautiful, life-giving things have happened in our lives and in the world, through the course of history, when people have banded together this way. How inspiring, when we, through Jesus, are the best we can be!

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Letting God Out of the Box…

Driving the length of the New Jersey Turnpike with the many exits, all numbered and some with A, B, or C, E or W tacked on after the number, I take notice of all the different roads that one might choose. I think of all the different paths and possibilities throughout life, not only for me and my husband, but also for our children. As we navigate the challenges, the joys and the sorrows of life, and the busyness of the world in which we live, it seems the best thing my husband and I can do for ourselves and our children, is to help them to know about God and to teach and encourage them to pray; that is, to help them to have a relationship with God. In fact, of all the things my husband and I might give to our son and daughter, or that they might acquire for themselves, prayer and relationship with God is the one thing that no one can ever take away from them.

Looking out the window as we continue to drive along, I think back to a time, when prayer in my life was just a cursory thing and relationship with God was a foreign concept. I recall one day, thinking and feeling that God was so distant…so far removed. Did God even care about the daily happenings of my life? Weren’t they too small for God compared to all other things?

I recall a conversation in which it became clear to me that my ongoing restlessness probably had something to do with where I was placing God in my life. If my life was a baseball diamond, it was as if God was way over in the bullpen, on standby, instead of behind the plate, calling the pitches. I started to think about, and to imagine, what it might be like to have God leading the way. The more I thought about it, the more I started to feel like I wanted God to be at the center of my life. The only problem was that I didn’t know where to begin. Other than attending Sunday Mass, praying before meals, and thanking God for all that I had and praying for other people at bedtime, I wasn’t aware that there were other ways of praying, or even that it was okay for me to pray for myself.

At the suggestion of a good friend, and the encouragement of a Spiritual Director, though, I began by simply spending more time in conversation with God. At first, just talking to God, wherever and whenever, seemed strange to me. So I started by going to daily Mass as often as I could and somewhere in the time leading up to Communion I would express my desire for God to be at the center of my life and for God to guide me and lead me. As time went on, I found myself more at ease and wanting to know more about God and God’s Word. I started to spend more time reading Scripture and praying with Scripture; setting aside time for quiet reflection and asking God to help me to see and hear more clearly. I also started to become more familiar with other parishioners and one day, one of the women at daily Mass asked me if I wanted to go downstairs after Mass for the women’s prayer group. I was unsure, but decided to give it a try, and before long it became a regular weekly activity.

What I did not know then, was that God was answering my prayers. God was placing me with people who, through prayer and sharing, were helping me to witness God and God’s ways in everyday life, making God seem closer than ever. In the years since I first had that conversation about God being in the bullpen, I have developed a relationship with God that is far greater than I could have ever imagined. It is like having the best GPS one could ever have.

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The Gift…

I’ll never forget being told one day, “Well…you know, you were created to be a saint.” I remember thinking to myself, “Huh? Yeah, right.” I must have looked at the person funny while I was thinking that, because he smiled at me and said, “Yes. You were created to be a saint. It’s true! You were created in God’s image, you were created holy and to be with God. We all are.”

My reaction – “Wow!” This person was being serious. I recall feeling somewhat amazed. The more I thought about it though, I felt almost embarrassed, like I had missed this really important piece of information. I felt like it was something that should have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t, because up until that point, I had never heard those words before. Here I was, in my 30’s, and despite years of attending Liturgy (or Mass), week in and week out, neither these words nor anything resembling them had ever been called to my attention or directed to me before that day.

While these words may seem obvious to some, it had never occurred to me and having someone speak these words to me out loud was so profound. It was a moment I will never forget; it definitely changed me, and the way I have seen myself, others, and the world around me. It inspired me to try to be a better person.

Growing up, I attended religious education religiously from kindergarten through high school.  Every Sunday throughout the school year we had Sunday school followed by Liturgy. Once the school year was over, we got to sleep a little later, before leaving the house to get to Liturgy.

One very snowy Sunday morning, I recall our car, with my parents and siblings packed inside, sliding all the way along the VFW Parkway as we made our way to West Roxbury. I was probably only 8 or 9 at the time and the ride was rather scary. We were all very quiet as my father maneuvered the car. When we got there though, I remember there was only my family and the family bringing donuts for the coffee hour. As a child, I was excited that Sunday school was canceled and we got to eat donuts (usually reserved for the adults who had coffee hour while we were in Sunday school) as we waited and people gradually arrived for Liturgy.  I remember other times when it was pouring rain and there were huge puddles on the parkway. We literally attended every week, rain or shine, sleet or snow. As I think back, I find myself marveling. There’s no way that could’ve been convenient for the parents of 6 children!

While I never learned as a child that I was created to be a saint (maybe that was the lesson I missed that snowy day that we sat eating donuts with the Kfoury family), I will never forget the memories of going to church every week with my family and the faces of the families with whom we worshipped. I learned the importance of being family and coming together to celebrate and give thanks to God not only with my family, but also alongside other families. I witnessed and learned about commitment and dedication. I learned how to be faithful. Or rather, my parents, whether they knew it or not, and whether it was convenient or not, by their example, were teaching me how to be faithful.

I feel very blessed to have had that experience growing up and while I may have not liked it at times, or may have fallen away from it or taken it for granted on the way to adulthood, the memories of all those Sundays formed a foundation that has always pointed me back home…back to the center…back to the One without whom I am nothing…back to God.

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